Greener on the other side

How is it possible that you find yourself wishing your life was so different, wishing you had things that other people have.. since samuel passed away I find myself becoming angry with my friends who have kids who don't care really about their kids, who take them for granted, who would much rather have a life without them...  and it makes my blood boil because 3months ago I lost my son and I would have cared for him and loved him and been such a careing mom but I guess it wasn't in my fairy tale to have the happy ending.  But today I realized that it isn't their fault they feel that way.. I'm sure that we as humans don't really realize how fragile life is until something goes wrong. I've judged them without realizing that they don't know what I went through, they haven't felt tht pain.. so to them they'd rather have my life (childless,"normal") then the one they have with their babies.. meanwhile I rather have my son then live this life... so I guess the grass always does look greener on the other side...

Happy 6 months in heaven Caleb

Today is one of my very good friend's son's 6 month Angelversary... Lauren's son Caleb was born 6months ago today, and he fought for his life against his condition (HLHS) and lived a very precious 3days. Although it was only 3 prefect days you have left your mark on this world forever, and you will continue to be loved a remembered  for a lifetime <3 I know you are enjoying yourself up there in heaven with all the other angels, say hello to Samuel for me <3.. Look for your balloons today, there are so many people who care for you :) Keep watching over your mommy, shes a pretty amazing person <3

 

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

and it all seems like yesterday

How weird, i feel like time is just passing me by and nothing is really changing. with having nothing else to do then slowly accept the fact that my baby boy is gone, life hasn't gotten easier. Its been two months since he was born and since he passed. How is it that time just moves on so easily, he was my son, my very handsome chunky boy... and the world just kept turning... one minute he was here and then he was gone, it wasn't enough time, i feel cheated. i find myself becoming someone i never thought id be, somedays im happy but im mostly im sad or angry.. and i dont want to be angry or sad or upset... ive become tired of feeling so tired and defeated. When does the strength to go on with live kick in???

Where is the rainbow after the rain? I guess i just have to sit around and wait for it to appear.
the only problem is the longer i wait, the more i think of him, and how he should be here with me.

Samuel Louis 1/11/11-1/20/11

 It's been so long since Ive been here, my days just seem to blend together sometimes but i know i have to talk about this one day and today is just that day to share my sons story. Samuel was born January 11,2011.. i always thought his birthday was so weird but i loved it... He was born via C-section because his little heart couldnt handle regular delivery plus he needed to get a cath done the second he was born. He was 8 pounds 12oz (chunky boy) and he was 22in.. and had SOO MUCH HAIR (i loved it), he looked so much like his daddy. Samuel was born with Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, my poor babies heart was missing his whole left ventricle, he also had a abnormal pulmonary valve which leaked, and a the hole in his upper two chambers was too small for blood to flow through (which lead to his right ventricle to swell up and his pul. valve to leak).

 

Samuel was born and he survived his Cath (he was a warrior!) i was so proud of him, the next few days consisted of helping him get off his medications and off the ventilator. As the days passed he got stronger and his medications kept coming off but he couldnt come off the vent. The doctors sadly realized through an xray that his left lung had collapsed, and had suspicion that his lungs had gotten damaged in utero due to the restricted blood flow in his heart. But they never gave up on him and he never stopped fighting.

 (this is him after his cath)--  you surprised me, and you fought.. although your eyes were a little swollen it didnt stop you from gazing at me with those beautiful big dark brown eyes. You were bothered when anyone would touch your feet, but loved it when i use to rub your head and play with your hair, it would put you to sleep when you got uncomfortable (but who wouldnt be with all those wires and Iv's) but mommy was there to sooth you back to sleep...

 look at that battle scar :) you were such a fighter, i remember when they took your band off and i saw your little "zipper" i started thinking about ways i could explain it to you when you got a little older... but sadly i wont have that chance. you were so brave, i wondered everyday when the doctors were going to plan your surgery but it became surreal when they sat down and spoke to me about how your pulmonary valve was too faulty for the classical noorwood procedure, and too faulty for any kind of surgery and that you would need a heart transplant. They planned on doing a hybrid procedure to buy you a few more months of life so that finding a heart for you would become easier, but nothing prepared me for what happened the following day.

Daddy had stayed with you that night, and when i left the hospital you were sleeping very soundly and you looked so peaceful. (thats my hand rubbing your hair).. I got a frantic call from Joshua in the morning telling me that you had gotten really sick during the night and how you went into cardiac arrest twice and your stats dropped to the 10's. i ran as fast as i could to the hospital... Samuel looked sick but he looked like he was ready to fight. Your heart had finally started acting up, and the doctors rushed you into surgery to do your hybrid procedure. before they took you i stayed by your side and i never left.. you were sedated and looked so tired, i was so sad my heart was breaking for you because you shouldnt of had to go through this. i rubbed you head and your hair a few times and i held on to your hand, and although you were sedated i felt you try to grip my finger and when i looked at you that very last time before they took you away you looked as if you were smiling.. as if to tell me that everything will be okay no matter what happened.

While you were in surgery i decided to make your own beads of courage (because you were such a warrior)... they came out so beautiful, and i couldnt wait to show you when you got out of surgery but then the doctors came up with a horrible update, you weren't doing too well and had went into arrest while they were trying to fix your heart, and also something unexpected happened they realized you had an infection in your intestines and you were too weak to fight it, they told me to prepare to lose you. I prayed, I cried, all the dreams of having you come home and smile and play with me seemed to be fading away. A half hour later the doctors came back to inform me that you had passed, your heart was too weak to withstand the surgery and the infection. I died inside, I couldnt even cry... Your daddy was devastated and he cried, and so did your grandparents and your aunt... Our hearts broke.

Oh baby boy, me crying a ocean wasnt going to bring you back, so I didnt cry, i enjoyed my last moments with you, soaking in all i could before I had to say goodbye. I touched your little nose, i played with your hair because i knew you loved it so much, i caressed your head, your chubby cheeks... I also held you, your daddy was too emotional and wasnt able to hold you so i held you, I held you tight and rocked you although you were in your eternal sleep. You werent as cold as i had expected and still very pink,  it looked as if you were still with us, with me, you were still my baby boy who was fighting this CHD monster. I was proud of you Samuel, doctors told me you werent going to make it through your birth, and that you werent going to make it through your cath, and boy did you proved them wrong... you lived a beautiful and wonderful 9days. 9 days full of love and prayer and we had ups and downs but you touched me, you have changed me in ways I would have never imagined. I wish everyday you were still here with me, that i could touch your soft hair and sooth you to sleep like i did before, but your with God and all the other CHD angels. I remember when i was told you were a sick baby when i was 20wks pregnant, that you werent going to make it. Yet look at all you accomplished just in your 9days here on earth. I remember them asking if i wanted to terminate you, and to this day and probably for the rest of my life...  I regret nothing <3 ...

I do and will always love you.. mommy and daddy will always remember you baby. Wait for us in heaven, we'll see each other again one day <3


1Samuel 1:27
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him"

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow Samuel will be born..
Tomorrow He'll get his Cath done
Tomorrow I'll have someone to be accountable for
Tomorrow I'll have a C-section done
Tomorrow I'll have anesthesia done on me for the first time
Tomorrow I'll be a different person
Tomorrow I'll be praying to God everything goes as planned and thanking all the support I've gotten
Tomorrow I'll finally see him
Tomorrow I'll be a MOM..
To a VERY special little boy, who stole my heart.. and I'll do anything to mend his heart <3

Thanks for all the support... I know what it feels like now to trully be a heart mom :).. Tomorrow starts a new crazy chapter.. :) ill update when i can

Afriad.

I am completely NOT okay with having Samuel on Tuesday, I thought I could do it and be all strong and confident but I'm just scared and now I want to cry :(.. I feel lame, I can't help but to shake the fear and I feel like I'm failing Samuel by being afraid. Afraid for the Cath he has to get done, afraid for his leaking Pulmonary Valve, afraid of this surgery that would scare the CRAP outta anyone, I'm afraid of loosing him right so soon after I get him because It's not fair. It's not fair. I'm so afraid of everything.

bit of good news, a whole lot of anxiety

My cardiologist gave me a bit of good news today at my last echo which is pretty great since hes NEVER EVER given me good news about Samuel's heart. So it seems that his Right Ventricle is doing much better than it was doing last week, it only has a little bit of pressure instead of ALOT of pressure it had last week. It makes me feel good. I was also shown an example of the balloon cath that's going to be done right after hes born. Im nervous but I'm excited. weird.

I also finally packed a hospital bag, it only took me like DAYS to do, I am so lazy its not even funny. I did pack a hat and socks for Samuel, you'll never know if he could eventually wear them, :).. and now I sit here and wait till Tuesday.. Tic Toc.... now that there's a date time seems to be going sooo slow :(. I'll enjoy my last 3days having my Chubbs inside me, but honestly even am dieing to meet him.