He's so beautiful.. (old pic. 27wks.)
Maybe its wrong, or selfish of me but there are days where I can't help but feel bad. I don't want to feel this way honestly but the sadness of my son's hard journey is too much for me. Since getting the news about Samuel's heart i haven't cried, like I've teared up and maybe one or two tears come out but i haven't cried, I hardly ever speak about it, somedays I just seem to make myself forget, and it always seems to creep back up.. I have friends with sons and daughters who are healthy and sometimes although I'm happy and thankful that they are I feel like somehow I lucked out.. which is a horrible way to feel because I love my son so much and he's not even born yet. It's like somedays I'm happy and filled with joy and other days I just feel scared and sad and It's like an overwhelming feeling that takes over me... And i have friends who complain about their kids and all that stuff and it makes me so mad, I just get so upset because I'd KILL to be able to live and enjoy my son without the fear of knowing that one day he can be taken from me so quickly. I guess I'm just not over it and I want to be but I don't think I ever will be. It just sucks because I still feel incredibly alone even in a room full of friends :(... Yet I am thankful for being able to carry Samuel, and I thank God every single night for him, and I thank God for giving me such a special little boy, and if I had a choice to re-do it again I wouldn't ask for a different son... it's hard to accept his heart condition somedays but I know that next month I'm going to be able to see his wonderful and beautiful face and eventually hold him in my arms and be his mother but I love him, and no matter what happens I'll always be grateful for him and everything I've learned because of him. I know I have to stop acting like He's lost his battle cause he hasn't, but I'm scared cause I want to fight it for him and i cant, but i know God will watch him and protect him as hard as he can. <3 Hard days will always be hard, but they are worth all the good days i get with him.
Carlen,
ReplyDeleteI believe that all the things you are feeling are completely normal in this situation. It's a constant mental battle once you learn that your child is going to a have to fight from the first breath once he is born. I often felt the same way...torn between joy, sadness and being terrified.
I guarantee that the second sweet Samuel is born, your maternal instinct will kick in and you'll mother him and fight for him...it's not something you'll have to think about doing, it's completely automatic and natural. Meeting him will change you and your entire life and I can't wait until you experience that joy!
Love and prayers to you, friend. You are not alone...
Carlen,
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone!! You might just be standing in the wrong room ;) I know this is all trying and hard and scary and overwhelming, in fact when I found out my daughter was diagnosed with CHD ... I prayed and thanked God I knew what could come and was prepared for it ... now this was before I knew I'd lose her of course but I was prepared, going through this for an entire life can prepare you for things ... don't feel bad ... I think the same things ... I have friends who complain about the "mundane" things in life and I feel like screaming "DO YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE" and I learned that is totally normal, that is even a coping method, you have been handed a beautiful child ... My mommy let me in on a little secret when I was little and had a hard time dealing with being a CHD child ... see in fact I was fine with it ... but I knew what it did to her and my daddy and even as a small child I hurt for them, for our journey, for them to not have what I could never be (Normal) ... and then my mommy clued me in I can still see her face through my tears as a child, "Erin, when you were born I was scared, I was hurt, I was worried but you know what I would do it 100 times over so we could talk today, I know God choose me to be your mommy and that not only make's you special it makes me special too, and before in life I never knew I had a purpose, now I know my purpose was to be a Mommy to you!!" Please know God looked over all the other mommies on Earth and decided you would be Samuel's mommy, he knew you'd be scared, worried, confused, and sometimes would want what others might have (which always looks greener from this side of the fence) but he always knew that deep down you'd love Samuel the most, fight the hardest, and give him the best chance to live and have a normal life ... you are surrounded not only by your new CHD Family but by God ... I hope you find some comfort ... Heart Hugs Carlen!!
xoxo
Erin