quick update

I had sooo many appointments today, but I survived through them. I met the NICU people and he got his heart checked again, and it seems as though the passage between the right and left side has become way too narrow which is why his pulmonary valve was leaking because his right side is under too much pressure so the blood isn't being pumped right so its backed up and leaks out, so they are worried about him. He's going to be born via C-section January 10th :) woohoo, He is very high risk which does make me very nervous but I have so much faith that God will answer my prayers and make my Samuel an amazing fighter. Right after he is born he'll get his IV's put on and oxygen to breath for him and then he will get a Cath to open up that little hole so that the pressure comes off the right side thus eventually the valve will stop leaking. Then after the Cath he'll be stablelized and taken to the PICU (all of this will be done at Children's btw), then the surgery will be planned :). UGH .. so much STUFF but it does make me feel stable to know the plan.

Now for the MOST AWESOME NEWS IN THE WORLD. At 37.3wks he came in weighing in approx. at 8pounds 14oz.. ALMOST 9POUNNDS!!!.. :) im so proud of him, I LOVE my chubbs <3 sooo much..

Merry Christmas

My family celebrates xmas eve, we're hispanic and originally don't even celebrate xmas, we celebrate 3kings day but because we live here we've picked it up. :) Yesterday was so amazing, My family was here, my boyfriend was here, it was perfect. We spent the night talking and joking and they were drinking (I made pina colada), my 4 year old cousin was going crazy trying to convince us it was 12am to be able to open his gifts... It was an amazing time, my family is so great I love them so much. Samuel enjoyed all the food that mommy ate :) cause he was bouncing in my tummy for the rest of the night after dinner, I say his 1st xmas (even though hes not born) was a great success.

Thats me and my boyfriend Joshua...  My family was pressing us to take a picture..

This is my and my sister.. lots of people think we're twins, Shes actually older then me :)

And this is my 4yr old cousin who as u can see fooled us into letting him open some presents.. what a con artist.

The rest of the night was pretty chilled... my sister did buy me this puma bag that I really reaally wanted,  but thats besides the point.. :) .. Joshua got my a necklace, and it wasn't the fact that he got my jewelry, it what was on the necklace that REALLY hit home.

It's a mother, holding her baby... creating a heart, i almost broke down crying,, it was so beautiful and the meaning made it so much wonderful. I loved it.

Although I got gifts and all that stuff, my gift has yet to arrive, and thats okay because im patient, God has given me a gift that is unexplainable, I got to carry this very special little boy to 37wks. and in a week and a half I'll be able to see him. God has blessed me with Samuel, and I wouldn't have it any other way, I can't wait until he's born because I know hes a fighter and will eventually be able to come home with me. Which is good cause ummm someone thought it would be cute to wrap up a box of diapers and umm Samuel needs to come home and use them all up :).

Merry xmas to all.. :) may You're wishes come true and God watch over You all as well <3 much love

and the verdic is...

Samuel weighed in at 6poumds 10oz at 35.6wks :) pretty good growth, I'm proud of my fattie, and so are the doctors.

The cardiologist did finally tell me that I will have a cesarean, wack! but he said it's whats best because he's getting restricted blood flow from the left to right side, plus the leaky valve he's just not comfortable letting him come on his own, which is okay cause neither was I. So he's going to be born and then straight to the cath lab. I just worry so much about his leaky pulmonary valve -_-, :( why'd it have to be leaking... Soon I'll have the tour of the hospital and he's going to work on setting a date, he said sometime after 39 wks, but i don't know if Samuel is going to wait that long, I guess we'll see.

Everyone is asking me if I'm nervous because of his heart n the surgery and I am a little, I'm more anxious to just finally meet my booger, and see him and hopefully hold him eventually. so much to think about, and such little time left to prepare myself for all this.

dream

I took a nap this afternoon and I had a dream, I had my beautiful baby boy in my hands, and he was so perfect and chubby and so beautiful. He looked just like me with a few of his dads features, and long curly black hair. I dreamed that it was time to give him to the surgeons, so he could get his 1st surgery, and I was not okay, I didn't want to give him up but I knew I had to. I kept getting updates that he was okay and hours kept passing and it didn't get any easier. Then the doctors came out n told me he was okay, he was alive and he was doing well... then a few days later I got to take that beautiful baby boy home with me, where he belonged to begin with, and he was such a great baby, and I couldn't get enough of him, and I never let him out my sight.


I woke up, and in a way I felt so good, I've had a rough few days and I've been a bit more negative then usual and this dream lifted my spirit because he lived, he survived, he fought and was strong in my dream, and it showed me that I needed to be strong and because he's going to give it all he has to survive so i owe it to him to be as strong as i could be.

I wish i could dream like this more often, maybe it's god showing me my future, it's nice to think that but i have faith and support and love :) Today's been a great day.

busy weeek.

This week will be a very busy week...

Since I am a college student it's finals week -_-, but on a brighter note I get to finally go back home and rest until Samuel makes his great appearance in January. The sucky part is that the moment I get home I have like a ZILLION appointments. blahh upside is that one of them is a tour of my hospitals NICU :) and an appointment with my surgeon and an ultrasound woooo :) !!! im excited since its been a month since I have gotten to see him, the only appointment im not happy to go to is the cardiologist appt. since last time I went I got crap news about Samuels heart so now I dont wanna go.. Silly right?? bleh.. soo much to do ... but I just want to be home..

just one of those days

He's so beautiful.. (old pic. 27wks.)

Maybe its wrong, or selfish of me but there are days where I can't help but feel bad. I don't want to feel this way honestly but the sadness of my son's hard journey is too much for me. Since getting the news about Samuel's heart i haven't cried, like I've teared up and maybe one or two tears come out but i haven't cried, I hardly ever speak about it, somedays I just seem to make myself forget, and it always seems to creep back up.. I have friends with sons and daughters who are healthy and sometimes although I'm happy and thankful that they are I feel like somehow I lucked out.. which is a horrible way to feel because I love my son so much and he's not even born yet. It's like somedays I'm happy and filled with joy and other days I just feel scared and sad and It's like an overwhelming feeling that takes over me... And i have friends who complain about their kids and all that stuff and it makes me so mad, I just get so upset because I'd KILL to be able to live and enjoy my son without the fear of knowing that one day he can be taken from me so quickly. I guess I'm just not over it and I want to be but I don't think I ever will be. It just sucks because I still feel incredibly alone even in a room full of friends :(... Yet I am thankful for being able to carry Samuel, and I thank God every single night for him, and I thank God for giving me such a special little boy, and if I had a choice to re-do it again I wouldn't ask for a different son... it's hard to accept his heart condition somedays but I know that next month I'm going to be able to see his wonderful and beautiful face and eventually hold him in my arms and be his mother but I love him, and no matter what happens I'll always be grateful for him and everything I've learned because of him. I know I have to stop acting like He's lost his battle cause he hasn't, but I'm scared cause I want to fight it for him and i cant, but i know God will watch him and protect him as hard as he can. <3 Hard days will always be hard, but they are worth all the good days i get with him.

what i am thankful for

I havent been alive on this world for years and years to have a million zillion things to be thankful for.

Im first thankful for my family, my mother, sister, aunts, cousins, they have all been there for me since i got pregnant and its not something they wanted for me at 19yrs old, but my mother never turned her back on me and i am thankful that God has blessed me with such an amazing and supportive family. Even through Samuels heart  issues my family has managed to hold me up and fill me with faith, even on my worst days

Im also thankful for my friends who haven't left my side since i got pregnant, and then those who honestly have been there for me since my son was diagnosed with HLHS. When I felt alone and sad and almost broke down i had them (besides my family), they listened, they understood the most they could and they stood by me and i am thankful for everything they have done. its always great when they make me smile on a hard day <3

Im Thankful for my boyfriend Joshua, it hasnt been long but i truly do love you. God couldn't have blessed me with such an amazing partner. You've been there even through the WORST days when we thought we weren't going to make it as a couple. You Wished for a baby boy and we have that, i swear you look forward to seeing him more then i do, and you give me faith. God couldn't have found me a better friend/boyfriend/baby's dad. 

Im the MOST thankful for my son. :) Samuel hasn't even been born yet but has made such an impact on my life, i am thankful for being able to carry a healthy baby boy despite his heart, i see him as my special gift, and im thankful for the doctors that are going to help him live an amazing life in a month and a half, i thank God for letting me experience being pregnant with such an amazing and active little boy  who i am attached to terribly. Im thankful for Samuel cause he has made my relationship with God a stronger one, he has changed my life and made me a fighter and made me a person whos willing to give it my all no matter what hands down. Im thankful for the time ive carried Samuel and the kicks and jabs that even though hurt make me smile because it tells me your still there ready to fight and win <3

Im thankful for the Heart Moms ive come across since ive started blogged, you are all amazing women and all deserve the very best and God had blessed us all in many different ways. i thank you all who have given me hope, who have shown me its okay to be sad, its okay to enjoy my pregnancy, and to enjoy my baby boy. God is watching over us, our babies and all the angels <3 being a Heart mom has made me a stronger person and i thank you all and i am thankful for having came across you all..

Happy Thanksgiving <3 HAVE FUN EATING AMAZING FOOOOOOD.. i know me and Samuel will ;)

Best news I've had all week

Boston is a no-go.. My insurance wont cover anything for me up there, and the process seemed so long and hard, so we decided if you cant have one great hospital you could always look for another, and God heard my prayers and we found it!!

Presbyterian Hospital :) ... ran by U.Columbia ... When my boyfriend told me he had everything almost set up to go to this new hospital I could not believe it, It is one of the Top 10 hospitals for Cardiac Surgery. Words don't do justice to explain how blessed I feel. I'm waiting on my papers to be transferred so I could make an appointment with one of the surgeons, the nurse was so nice and sympathetic and she was so excited to hear that I was switching over because she reassured me so much that Samuel will be in Great hands. I hope to get an appointment next week because I have to go back upstate to finish school up in Buffalo (did i mention its an 8hr drive, jeez i dreaded every appointment I had to come back home for because of it) .. I CANT WAIIIT :)

Oh Yeah... I can't wait for Thanksgiving dinner since it will be Samuel's first thanksgiving dinner, I feel  like it counts since he's going to eat whatever mommy will be having :D hehe.. I love being pregnant, minus the heartburn- that I can live without...

inspiring

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
-Mother Teresa

To read something like this really hits home..

Confused :(

Im having the worst dilemma about whether or not to switch hospitals, or if i even CAN switch.


My current hospital hasn't given me much faith that things can be okay, so i was thinking about switching over to Boston Children's Hospital. i have heard amazing things about it. my issue is that i live 4hrs away :( how do i pull that off, I'm not even sure my insurance covers me over there...

I don't want to seem defeated but i deff. am having such  a hard time..  :( im going to set up an appointment to talk to somebody from the hospital at Boston to see what they say, or what can be done..

why cant things get easier... :( Lord give me a little more strength

Baby shower blues

SO... today would have been the day of my baby shower, but i had decided a while ago that i wasn't going to have one until Samuel was born and stable. It makes me feel sad though and sorta like I'm missing out on the fun stuff that happens when you get pregnant.. "/ sometimes it makes me feel selfish and bad but idk...

so instead of a baby shower I'm going to the nail salon with my sister, and get my nails n feet done :) .. it'll be fun and today will be a good day..

crappy news.. & okay news

So went for a follow up appt. on my echo with my cardiologist and he didnt have great news.

Samuel's only valve leading out his heart looks abnormal and its leaking "/ ... this makes his problem so much more worse :( .. im trying to stay strong but how do you do that when i keep receiving bad news .. ugh.. Joshua (my bf) did not take it well, but i mean i completely understand hes worried about his little boy. i need prayers and i need to just talk to god, it always makes me feel better.

i have a follow up appointment with him again and my OB to talk about options and to see  his heart again to see if things are going to stay as they are or if hes getting worse.

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE..

His lungs look nice and strong and healthy :) oh yes.. thank god. <3

The Sorta begining

Just to catch up .. i was 19wks when I had my anatomy scan, i found out i was having a boy (yay), the excitement was short lived when i realized that the ultrasound was sorta dragging. The woman who was doing my ultrasound leaves and a few min later a doctor walks in. He looks and looks and looks at this heart, eventually he broke the new to me and my boyfriend, He has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.

At the time i didnt realize how bad it was until the doctor started explaining it, His left side of his heart had failed to develop and with out medical intervention babies will die within days. To make a long story short he will need 3 rounds of heart surgery to help his heart function as normal as possible.

 I was scared and sad at first but now i am strong and excited to be almost meeting him. Since that day i have Ultrasounds regularly as well as echos every month, the doctors are just hoping his lungs dont get damaged and that hes nice and big n plump :)

This is my journey <3 with my amazing boy